I wish you hadn't told me that

My boyfriend David's best friend's name is Brian. I get along exceptionally well with Brian. He's practically my brother from another mother. I know a lot about him. I'd say I know as much about him as a girl who knows her boyfriend of 2 years. Except for all the intimate boyfriend type stuff of course.

You know how when you date someone, in the beginning it's always so perfect. You click in every way. There's little you don't agree on. You laugh at his jokes, he's candid and honest. And you just know it's gonna be like that until...well until it's not.

I've known Brian for about five years. We've spent lots of time together considering he's David's best friend. I felt that I knew him pretty well. Until I found out I didn't.

Yesterday Brian, David and I were out shopping for some much needed furniture for Brain's new apartment. After spending entirely too much time driving up and down a heavily trafficked street, he finally found what he was looking for. We got the new love seat in the truck and proceeded to bring it to Brian's house.

David and Brian are practically professional furniture movers. They got it in and situated in no time at all. As I was sitting at the table watching everything go down, Brian put his coffee table in front of his new love seat and says, "It looks so much better. Now, when I get my ESPN Magazine I'll even have stuff to read on my table."

And so the following conversation takes place.

Me: You subscribed to ESPN Magazine?
Brian: Yep. Some chick came knocking on my door.
Me: What the hell? You should have ordered from Jake like I asked you to so that the money would have gone to his school.
David: Well Jakes couldn't offer what the girl at the door could.
Me: .....what?
David and Brian: Think about it.
Me: Oh my God, she was a hooker???
Brian: No, just a hoe.
Me: WHAT??
Brian: So one night this chick knocks on my door selling magazines. I fucked her.
David: (laughing in approval)
*I shoot David a dirty look and the smile kinda comes off his face.
Me: Eww. That's disgusting.
Brian: What? I used a condom!
Me: Oh, that solves EVERYTHING! Thank God for that.
Brian: Condoms are effective.
Me: Not 100%. Wait a minute. How did you get from buying a magazine to having sex with some skank?
Brian: Well she knocked on my door, went into her whole thing about the magazines so I had her come in so I could take a look at what she was selling. When she came in, she was hella hitting on me, telling me I have good genes, checking out my TV and shit.
Me: groan. Wow. Classy.
Brain: So after I placed the order she was still sitting where you are (I promptly move) and said, "Do you have anything else you wanna ask me?" And I said, "Anything?" And she said, "Anything." So I said, "You wanna fuck?" And she acted like she was shocked. Then I said, "Come on you knew it was coming with the way you're talking." So I hit it and quit it.
Me: That is fucking gross. I can't believe you did that.
David: What? I'd do it too.
Me: Oh really??
David: Yeah. Well no. I mean...if I was single. Brian doesn't have a girlfriend he can do that.
Brian: (laughing) It's not a big deal.
Me: I'm hella disgusted. I can't believe you did that (pointing at Brian) and you are pissing me off (pointing at my boyfriend David).

And that was the end of that conversation.

eww. I would have been much happier to not know this. But for some reason, people think it's ok to tell me more than I really need to know.

-Louise